The downfall of my stability

Well here I am again sitting in my chair wasting my days away listening to internet radio and spending vast amounts of time in Second Life. But let me bring you back to why I am here. I rarely schedule off hour work especially on the weekends for my clients but sometimes its unavoidable. This past weekend was the exception of course and I required the 10 offices to all be offline while doing a server upgrade. As usual someone was there to let me in the building and also as usual I was to use the back door to leave after setting the alarm. The front of the building was closed with security shutters since they were closed. After finishing my work I gathered my items and headed out the back door. You know the type with the pushbar that locks after closing. It slam shut behind me and thats when I noticed the rear courtyard didn't seem right. There is a security fence that surrounds the rear courtyard that is a minimum of 6 foot and higher in some spots to almost 10 feet, it is also topped with razor wire. There are two exits out of the courtyard on either side of the building. One is a heavy wooden gate with razor wire on top and the other is a standard swing gate fence with the fork lock to a pole. Usually the standard gate is the access to the parking lot but this time I noticed there was a chain aroud the fork and a lock. This has never been a problem before. I walked to the other side to check the wooden door but it too was locked. I started calling the office manager since that was the only number I had outside of the offices themselves. But alas there was no answer this time. I tried a few more times and got nothing but voicemails. I called my partner that I share this client with but got no answer there too. I tried some friends and still got no answer, I guess they were all busy prepping for the oncoming hurricane Fay. At this point I was pretty much on my own. After pacing the courtyard for a while I dragged the courtyards picnic table over the gate and took my shirt and laid it on top of the razor wire. Knowing that I had just recovered from a previous leg injury I knew that I wasnt going to come out unscathed. Hoping for the best I removed all my pocketed items and put them down by the gate. I climbed up and was able to steady myself on the top rail using the roof line. Fearing the pain I was probably giong to feel I stalled for a bit trying to go through the landing and what I needed to do to limit the about of pain. I took a breath and dropped to the cement below. Whump, both legs giving out as I came down on my feet. I rolled as best I could to keep the momentum from breaking any bones. I hit the ground pretty hard but was able to keep my head from hitting the ground. After the initial shock was over I realized the immense pain I was in. My vision was blurry. I laid back on the hot cement, it was most likely 93 degrees out and it was 12.:30pm, the mid of the day. I laid there for a while pondering if I could even walk on my stinging legs. I rolled over closer to gate and gathered my things, keys, wallet, screwdriver, etc. that I had placed there before the jump. I struggled to get to my feet but was in quite a bit of pain. I crawled over the cement wall that was behind me and used the corner of the fence and wall to prop myself up to my feet. Left foot and ankle was in a huge amount of pain. I thought how stupid my recent actions where but all I wanted to do was get out of there. I suppose I should have kept trying to reach the manager or call the fire dept or police to bring a ladder or bolt cutters. In hind site that was probably my best bet. I creeped my way to my car which was conveniently located in the farthest point of the parking lot, but at least it was in the shade right? So was it stupid to have jumped, yes, did I want to wait in the heat of a courtyard, no. I tried to get someone over but was unsuccessful. So I was able to make it home in my car, which was quite a feat in itself as of my two cars I took the sports car to the job and it has quite a heavy duty clutch pedal. The left ankle as really hurting and made it difficuly to push the clutch pedal. I took the longer way home but it allowed for less shifting. I really just left it in third and did my best. So I got home and stammered my way into the house and finally made it to my bed. I wasnt really able to sleep. I checked out my legs and feet and no swelling had appeared after the first few hours. I got the nerve to try to walk and grab a soma and a darvocet to ease my situation, I dont like taking them but this was a good time to break my rule of drug free. I tried to walk and let out my dogs and it was really painful to do so on my left heel and ankle. Without any weight on it I didnt feel any pain. I thought perhaps I had broken it. After dragging my ass back to the chair here I felt a pop in the foot but didnt really think anything of it. The next time I tried to stand I felt no pain in the foot. This was a good sign. However both knees were in a great amount of pain compaired to earlier. After spending an amount of time in SL to kill some time I made my way to bed. I awoke Sunday and after my first step on my left foot I thought things were looking up for me. No pain in the foot or ankle just like last night. I moved out my right leg and put my weight upon the knee. down I went. Fast forward to where I started this thread. Its now been 2 days since and I have both my knee braces on. I have great instability in my knees. More so in the right one where any time I step wrong or give any sideways motion while on that leg I pretty much will go down to weekness or I will shift over quickly to the left and cause close to the same pain in the knee there. I am unable to lift myself onto my feet from a sitting or laying position without help of a wall or other stable object.

Depression VS Annoyed

I can tell you with all honesty that at this time I am in a funk of drepression, after all, my house has been under reconstruction for almost 2 years and yet its still not finished and today I find out that my self pulled permits have all been retired and now have to repermit the whole shibang, hell who wouldnt be depressed after that. I'm not the sort to be sucidial or wanting to off myself through any inaction so dont go worrying about me whoever reads this.

A few things keep me going through it all. Music, my greatest passion. Wether it be making it, playing it or listening to it, without it I would most likely loose whats left of my fragile psyche at this point. In fact as I write this I am using my Studio headphones, Sony MDR-7506 Reference series, {for those not wanting to spend over $100 they are great if you reach the point of "I'm tired of replacing all the crappy ones I've been wasting my money on or I want to get something decent for under a hundred bucks dept." If you can handle an additional 50 bucks there is a set by Audio-Technica that are getting super reviews in the recording industry, model ATH-M50, you just might throw the earbuds away or keep them for mobile listening only.}

Next up, HUMOR, I have to have it, I have to laugh. When I do watch TV I pretty much only watch comedy shows these days, I stay away from all forms of drama shows. Perhaps after I grow out of this funk i will take on some drama types.

SECOND LIFE, it's a bit of an escape really. SL keeps me engaged with others even though I am not going out and socializing much in RL due to my physical ailments I still feel an interacton with others. Besides, most of the people I have met are really nice and am happy to call them friends. Though I have had my share of DRAMA in SL, wether it stems from bad jokes gone ary, jealousy or misread (misunderstood) text that cannot represent the true emotion that's behind them to the people that are reading it, seems there is no way to eschew from it. Even with the minor drawbacks I can still find ways to employ SL as my savior from the ho-hum of dreary TV most nights. I do what I can to keep my head above the waters mentally and do well most of the time. In fact there are times I can dry off for days here and there.

I guess the last thing is my drive to be triumphant in all that I do. I don't like to be beaten. It's not always about being first, mostly it's a one on one deal. It''s me versus a goal or the like. Especially when it comes to my work/company. When dealing with a problem I don't want to give up, I can't give up, there is always a solution. Although sometimes that solution is start over or move to something else that actually works, ie software, hardware etc. I apply this ideal to most of my daily activites.

The Annoyed part:

Lately I have noticed how easily and how often I feel annoyed about things. Just about anything really, from failures of my own accord to the gormless people that litter the earth. I seem to have a sensitivity to the later and find that others self inflicted stupidity is an epidemic in America especially where I live. All this free education and it's wasted. I have a very low allowance for people who act as such and become easily discomposed when I am a witness to such behaviors. It doesn't take much to educate yourself daily or take notice of the world around you. I'll say I'm am bit intolerant of stupid people. It sets me off pretty quick. And no it's not the stupid as in the challenged meaning, it's the ones who don't care to better themselves or learn when they are perfectly capable. I dont get mad when I meet the mentally challenged. I really don't know where it comes from, it just happens. Of course I am my biggest critic when it comes to this. If I find myself doing or having done something (stoopid) I get upset at myself rather quickly. I feel I am better than that and it shouldn't happen, I am human, despite what others think, and I have my faults, but hating meyself for a self fault is usually not a good thing, but I have learned to cope with my self anger, to control it better. As for my anger towards others being stupid, I often wonder if it stems from my holding everyone in high reguard from the start, I feel greatly disapointed that if something that seems so easy to me can befuddle someone else so greatly and not be do the right thing. I start to get angry because of others failures to understand as I do. Or it might be that I expected too much, I belived they could handle it but indeed it may not have been true. I find however that most just dont bother to try and that's what gets me started on the path of annoyance.

Thats about all I have time for today, a little incite to the person behind the avatar. I have to go take care of a friends house while they are away. At least I have my super duper laptop to run SL on their wireless network for the next half a week. Seeing this animal sitting is just another reason I am not going to replace my animals when they pass this time, at least not for a while anyways. Freedom to leave all behind and have mini vacations over the weekend without having to find someone to cover the feed and fecal issues when you go away. Since starting my business I have not had a chance to leave for a real vacation since 2004's run to Cedar Point. Yeah, I'm a coaster nut, but am affraid my recent injury proneness will leave me unable to ride.